This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
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When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.