Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
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Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel