Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
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My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow