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My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Thursday Thought.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.