Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
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Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
eggs benadryl
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.