[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
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No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache