The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
You Might Also Like
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps