*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
You Might Also Like
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
My five year plan is a meteorite
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
i’m having this made into a welcome mat