HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
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What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
gm
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Venn
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”