lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
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[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I’m not stressed
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
A completely valid reaction tbh
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.