Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
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The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.