Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
You Might Also Like
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.