Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
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*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.