[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
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This kid is going places
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!