I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
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[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.