*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
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I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Succinctly put.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.