If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
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Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days