Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
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“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.