Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
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“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.