I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
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SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
How actors in movies eat their food
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.