Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
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Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Friday night party time 🥳
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”