ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
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I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”