“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
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Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.