I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
You Might Also Like
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”