Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
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Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Uh oh…
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting