My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
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9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.