“I wouldn’t.”
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.