Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
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Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Name another movie that mislead you?
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too