I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
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Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss