DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Mountain Goat : )
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW