*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
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Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”