“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
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[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do