karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
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*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Lmfao
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?