You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
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Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Something Saturday.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.