ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
You Might Also Like
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.