Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
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My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones