You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
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thank god the sign was there
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
BETRAYAL
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.