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WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Wait a minute
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
This hospital has everything