Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
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REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Nothing to do, you say?
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Krampus.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying