Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
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My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.