It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
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Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
A man of commitment.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”