why am i having trouble navigating this map??
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Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math