[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
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Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software