them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
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ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
translated into Canadian
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
When I snag the last meatball.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
“I FIXED IT!”
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do