The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
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College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both