Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
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bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
work smarter, not harder
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.