I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
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Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?