I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
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“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Life hack
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.