Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
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doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
this is what they would have looked like, though
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.