It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
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Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam